


Bittersweet

by DLanaDHZ



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-03
Updated: 2009-08-03
Packaged: 2017-11-10 13:41:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/466940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DLanaDHZ/pseuds/DLanaDHZ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin's secret is discovered and he must flee Camelot. Ten years later, Arthur has risen to the throne, so where is Merlin? No punishment would make Arthur regret the decisions he’d made tonight, except deciding to hide his feelings from Merlin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bittersweet

**Author's Note:**

> This story was entirely inspired by the song Bittersweet by Within Temptation. Look it up.

Merlin frowned. "You know I have to do this," he murmured. The crowned prince of Camelot pressed his lips into a fine line. "Now that I've been discovered, I must leave Camelot. I know you don't want to see me die, Arthur… or… at least I hope not. If you believe the right path will be having me executed, by all means, send me to the dungeons."

"No," Arthur replied in a voice just as quiet. "Leave Camelot, Merlin. Leave and never return."

The prince set a heavy stare on his ex-manservant. Merlin smiled, though it seemed a little sad. Arthur's chest felt tight. He'd never imagined he'd be sending Merlin away under such circumstances. Still, in a matter of minutes, his father would get the message informing him about Merlin being a sorcerer… and Uther would never forgive Merlin. Arthur suspected the lecture to go something like 'I can't believe he lived under my roof for three years and lied to me' and 'it goes to show you can't trust wizards. They earn your trust with lies and deception.' Still, Arthur understood Merlin's reasons.

Merlin didn't even have to tell Arthur why he'd been silent. Arthur had been so angry with magic, having grown up with it as the symbol of evil and hatred… of destruction. Merlin had revealed it to Gaius, but no one else. Merlin had told no one else, though now the signs were clear. Arthur almost felt stupid for not recognizing the signs, though he was somewhat glad he hadn't taken notice. Had he realized it in the beginning, he may be throwing Merlin in the dungeons instead of giving him a horse to escape on.

"It was an honor… serving you," Merlin spoke up. Arthur raised his gaze to Merlin, sitting atop Arthur's second favorite horse. "A dragon once told me we were two sides of the same coin and that we were both destined for greatness. One day, perhaps when you are king, the discrimination against magic will cease and I will be allowed to return… But if you become king and still fear magic, please don't stop the ban just for me. It was enough for me to serve you for these three long years. I wish you all the luck in the world, Arthur."

Arthur almost felt himself start to cry but bit back the emotion. He cleared his throat.

"Merlin," he began. Words were forming in his head, but he couldn't manage to speak them. He worried his bottom lip. After a few seconds, Merlin smiled at him like Arthur had said a joke.

"If you have anything to say, now's the best time to say it," Merlin pointed out. "We may never see each other again, so spit it out."

Arthur frowned. He crossed his arms and nodded.

"Good luck," he finally said. "I hope one day you will return to Camelot… to a Camelot you don't have to hide in."

"Thanks," Merlin replied honestly. The smile on his face almost reached his ears… such dopey ears.

The warning bell went off loudly in the distance. Merlin smiled wryly, looking off toward the castle. Uther would never change. He gave Arthur one last grateful smile before spurring the horse beneath him. It was all Arthur could do to watch Merlin ride off like wind into the darkness of the night. Despite his best efforts, a single tear ran down Arthur's face.

"I think I love you," he admitted to the shadows. Then he turned to rush back into the castle.

He'd make up some story about Merlin vanishing before his eyes or something. On second thought, perhaps he was better off telling the truth. Merlin had saved his life… so Arthur had saved his. He didn't care how long his father had him in the dungeons eating half decent meals. He didn't even care if his father hit him. He knew his father would never kill him for it… His father would simply believe Arthur had been charmed by a spell that made him act this way. Arthur smiled ironically. The sad part was, Arthur had been charmed… but it was no magic spell that did this. This was clashing personalities, balancing traits, helpful hints, the closeness that came with having a manservant, the wisdom of knowing each other's backgrounds, and the friendship that came with time. This was what love was made of, and no spell was going to change that. No medicine was going to alter how he felt, and no amount of punishment would make him regret the decisions he'd made tonight.

That is except, perhaps, the decision to hide these feeling from Merlin.

Ten years later, Arthur had been king for one whole year. So far, the people were enjoying his reign. Arthur had seen magic do good works on several occasions, even while his father had been king. Behind his father's back, Arthur had been helping sorcerers and magicians and druids escape his father's law. Arthur found it was easy to distinguish which magic was trying to harm him and which magic was trying to help someone.

Now, sitting in his throne room, Arthur paused to think. Word had spread far and wide about Camelot now accepting any magician who didn't cause suffering. During festivals, magicians came from around the kingdom to showcase their skills and entertain the masses. So why? Why had Merlin not returned? He had no doubt heard the news as well.

For the billionth time since that night ten years ago, Arthur cursed himself for not telling Merlin how he felt. If Merlin had known, perhaps he would have come back already. Well, that or sworn never to return. At least then Arthur would know to stop waiting for him. The endless days waiting were driving Arthur up a wall. He found himself dreaming non-stop about the wizard who he'd shared so much with. In his dreams, they shared everything – including a bed and all the acts that came with it. These dreams left Arthur wanting so badly it made his body physically ache.

Yet Arthur had never tried to replace Merlin with another. He'd had multiple servants and several suitors, but Arthur had remained chaste, had remained pure, in the hopes of saving himself for Merlin. So now that Arthur was king and magic was no longer banned, just like Merlin had predicted, why was the sorcerer not back in Camelot?

"Your highness!" a guard exclaimed, bursting into the room. "A man has come to the castle. He requests an audience. He says it's urgent."

"Show him in," Arthur replied, sitting up tall. He ran his hand across his chin. He felt a slight stubble and mentally noted to shave it off before it became noticeable.

When the doors next opened, a man walked in shrouded in a long, dark blue cloak. The hood was up and the face was hidden. Arthur felt himself tense up, on guard. Men who hid like this were seldom trustworthy.

"Who are you and what is your business in Camelot?" Arthur asked, his tone demanding a response. The man in the cloak walked closer to the throne. He noticed the way Arthur's hand clenched around the arm of his chair. A soft chuckle escaped his lips and he pulled off his hood.

"Come now. I thought wizards were welcomed in Camelot now," he teased. Arthur's jaw dropped. He stood instantly and closed the distance between them. Without hesitation, he grabbed the cloaked man by the shoulders and shook him gently.

"God have mercy! Merlin, you're back!" he exclaimed in all joy. He showed the emotion clearly on his face, and Merlin couldn't help but smile back just as wide.

"I never left, Arthur," he admitted. When Arthur's expression became confused and troubled, Merlin laughed gently. "It has always been my destiny to protect you, Arthur. Even after escaping, I couldn't deny that. I hid on the Island of the Blessed for nearly a month before I couldn't stand it. I rushed back as quick as possible, in disguise of course. But honestly, Arthur, with all the trouble you get into, how did you think you managed to survive it all on your own?"

"Well," Arthur began, embarrassment covering his features. He even started to blush. Merlin had been around all this time? He'd been here and Arthur hadn't noticed? Some love this was… Couldn't even tell Merlin was around him. "I figured I was just a great warrior with some good advisors. Gaius was infinitely helpful when it came to magic troubles, and… well I supposed it wasn't my destiny to die then."

"Because it wasn't," Merlin chuckled. "Don't worry. I won't hold you inobservance against you."

Then Arthur pulled Merlin against him and held him tightly. He didn't even consider letting go until Merlin held him back. Merlin seemed to flinch gently, an act that stabbed at Arthur's heart, and then something wet soaked through Arthur's shirt. He pulled back and looked down. His eyes widened.

"Merlin?" he asked, scared. Merlin smiled, though it was strained. His face began to sweat and then he fell. Arthur held him tightly, forcing him to fall against the king. They sat on the ground, Arthur gently shaking Merlin, for what seemed like forever.

Finally, Merlin opened his eyes again. He moved his hand over his own chest and mumbled words Arthur didn't understand. The sweat vanished from Merlin's features and his breathing returned to normal. Then Merlin cast another spell and the blood vanished from both their outfits.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, guilty lacing his voice.

"Sorry? Merlin, what happened? Why are you bleeding?" Arthur demanded. Merlin pushed away from Arthur, sitting up on his own. He untied his cloak and pulled it off. Underneath, there was a plain brown shirt, much like the ones he used to wear. Merlin pulled it up, but not off, to reveal a scar that ran from the bottom right of his chest to the upper left. It was wide and obviously deep – it had left a scar after all.

"It's fatal," Merlin revealed as Arthur ran his hands over the sealed wound. "It was given to me by magic and magic is the only way to heal it… However, it's incurable and it's all I can do to temporarily heal it and slow down the process."

"W-when did this happen? Who did this to you?" Arthur asked, voice shaking. No! He'd just gotten Merlin back. He didn't want to sit here and watch the magician die! Not his magician!

"Last week," Merlin admitted, smile sad. "The one who caused it is dead. They were trying to bring down the walls of Camelot… and I couldn't let that happen. This was intended for you."

"Heh, I had no idea… you were so keen to die for me," Arthur teased, remembering one of their adventures so long ago. This was a lie. Arthur knew all too well how easily Merlin would throw his life away for him. It had happened so often, though Arthur hadn't known it at the time.

"Believe me. I'm surprised as well," Merlin teased right back. They both knew this was a lie too.

"S-so… How long do you have left?" Arthur asked. Merlin smiled half heartedly.

"A month if I catch the bleeding fast enough each time it opens," he admitted. Arthur pressed his lips together and ground his teeth. Inwardly, he cursed.

"Damn it, Merlin! You said it was your destiny to protect me, that you were destined for greatness! You can't die like this," he growled out.

"Well, there's no cure, so it must be my time to die," Merlin explained. "Perhaps I have saved you enough now. Perhaps you can protect yourself now."

"No. No, I can't! Come on, I'll take you to Gaius. He'll know of something," Arthur suggested. Merlin shook his head.

"No," he said. "There is only one way to stop this… but to do it, someone else has to die. Arthur, I know you'd run out to do that for me in a heartbeat, but that would make this all a bit counterproductive." He smiled gently. "So please… I didn't mean for you to find out. I just wanted to come back and see you face to face, for old time's sake."

Arthur pressed his lips together tightly. He nodded and pulled Merlin in for another hug, though this time he tried not to put too much pressure on the wound. Merlin returned the embrace, but frowned when he felt the wetness of tears on his shoulder. Arthur had certainly grown up since their last meeting.

"Don't worry, Arthur. It'll be alright," he promised. Arthur took a deep, shaky breath.

"I love you," he breathed out through his sorrow. "I've… loved you for over a decade… If I'd have told you that, would you have stayed… or at least have let me know you were here?"

Merlin smiled sadly. "No," he murmured. "I wouldn't have wanted to put you in that situation. You were risking yourself enough this last decade without knowing I was nearby."

Arthur let out a sour laugh. He felt like such an idiot. Merlin had been near him all this time, and he hadn't noticed. Merlin had been risking his life for Arthur for a little over 13 years now. Was this Destiny being cruel? What kind of destiny was this?

"Arthur," Merlin nearly sighed out the name. "I love you."

"I love you," Arthur choked out again in response. "I will love you-"

"You don't have to say forever, Arthur. Just say 'right now'," Merlin suggested in a tired voice. Arthur bit his lip again.

"I will love you," he said with his quivering voice.

For the next four and a half weeks, Merlin stayed on at the castle as the royal magician and advisor. The town didn't question it. Gwen and Gaius flocked to meet him. There were tearful greetings and heartfelt confessions of missing him. It made Merlin happy he returned. He was getting to see all his friends in person for one last time.

For the next four weeks, Merlin shared a bed with Arthur. At first they resisted their desires, too worried about Merlin's wounds. Yet they couldn't do that forever. One week in, they agreed without words to give it a shot. If they went about it slowly, if they took their time, Merlin didn't get injured. And so the prince and his advisor shared a bed every night, and shared each other almost every other day… unless Merlin was feeling too weak.

No one else noticed Merlin's deteriorating health. Only Arthur could see it. He noticed how Merlin used magic to trick everyone into thinking he was healthy. Only Arthur was allowed to see through the shields and see how the sorcerer became paler every day. Only Arthur saw the way Merlin bled like crazy from his magical wound despite it only being open long enough for Merlin to cast the spell that sealed it. By week three, even Arthur could see the bleeding was getting worse. Merlin started to try and hide his sickness from Arthur as well. He tried to coax Arthur into bed with him, to prove he wasn't as sick as Arthur knew he was. He tried to bewitch Arthur's mind as well to make it seem as though he was recovering though they both knew he wasn't.

At the end of the third week, Arthur grabbed Merlin around the waist and pressed his face into the other male's shoulder.

"Don't lie for me," he murmured. Merlin frowned.

"I don't want you to see me die," Merlin admitted softly. Arthur could feel Merlin shaking. His wizard was scared.

"If I had a choice between watching you die or turning a blind eye, I would rather watch it happen," Arthur replied wisely. "Otherwise it'll be like you just disappeared, and that is worse than dying."

"Arthur," Merlin began. Arthur shook his head.

"I love you," he whispered lovingly into the sorcerer's ear… and Merlin could only relax into the king's embrace.

By week four, Merlin's sealing spells were becoming less effective. Not only that, he was beginning to cough up the blood in between episodes. Arthur found himself holding Merlin comfortingly while the other coughed up more and more blood each day. Merlin was beginning to shake so badly even his spells couldn't hide it from the public, so he vanished from their sight. Arthur didn't lie to his people. He told them Merlin was ill and dying. The people cried for someone to save him, but Arthur knew no one would be able to help. If Merlin couldn't fix it and didn't know of someone or something that could, then there was no hope.

Merlin hardly got out of bed by the middle of the week. He tried to hide it from Arthur, but the king knew Merlin was spending a lot of time alone and crying. When the fourth week ended, Arthur knew Merlin could pass any day. Gaius, Gwen, and Morgana were trying to find some loophole, some way to save him, but Arthur knew they wouldn't find anything. The king spent a lot of time in his chambers holding Merlin those last few days.

Now Merlin cried openly into Arthur's chest. He was scared and so was Arthur. He was in pain, and Arthur hated himself for not being able to relieve it. He was dying, and Arthur was angry at the world for not having a cure.

"A-Arthur," Merlin's weak voice called to him and woke him from his dreams. The king caressed Merlin's cheek and smiled encouragingly.

"Yes?" he asked. Merlin smiled, though it looked strained. Merlin was so pale now. His lips were dry and he shook even now as he lay by Arthur.

"I love you," Merlin breathed out. Arthur's smile turned sad. This was the end, wasn't it?

"I love you, Merlin. I will always love you," he promised. Merlin laughed tiredly.

"Until the day you die?" he asked. Arthur shook his head.

"Even after that," he assured. Then Arthur kissed Merlin on the lips. He looked down into Merlin's tired and scared gaze. The fear seemed to lessen because of Arthur's words, but it did not vanish. Arthur could tell. Merlin was struggling to hold on, and he was beginning to bleed again.

Merlin fought back a cough, but a spasm shook his body and his face turned pained. Arthur frowned and his eyes began to sting with the first signs of tears.

"Merlin," he called out softly. Merlin's breathing was labored but quick. He looked up at Arthur, waiting for him to speak. "Wait for me," Arthur whispered. "At the gates of Avalon… wait for me."

Merlin smiled painfully. He almost laughed. Then he nodded quickly, and it seemed to take all his strength. At last, he leaned back into the pillows and let out a harsh sigh. Arthur fought off a sob. He leaned his head against Merlin's blood-stained chest. He had waited far too long to tell Merlin he loved him. Perhaps Merlin would have been more careful if he'd known… just maybe.

No. The more Arthur thought about it, the more he knew it had been inevitable. Even if he'd told Merlin, the sorcerer would have still fled and hidden himself in the shadows. He still would have sacrificed himself to save Arthur and the kingdom. Arthur began to sob without tears. He gripped Merlin's night shirt and held tightly.

"Forever," Arthur repeated under his breath, the dry sobs wracking his body. "Forever. Forever. Merlin, I swear. Forever."


End file.
